"Hey!"

Starsky laughed as he jumped up to chase the little boy across the sand. Brian giggled and ran towards the surf. Starsky grabbed him up in his arms just before a wave washed over his little feet.

"Hey you! Throw sand down my shirt, will ya? I'll show you."

He carried the squirming bundle back to the blanket, his fingers playing over the soft, ticklish belly, and Brian's little boy giggle filled the air. I started laughing as well as Starsky collapsed onto his knees still holding my nephew in his arms.

My sister and brother-in-law had gone on a cruise to Catalina and left their son in my care for the weekend. I decided to take Brian to the beach and had asked Starsky along. At first he had grumbled a bit, "Babysit? You want me to babysit on my weekend off?" But he eventually agreed and when he met my nephew something clicked. I saw that little boy excitement in my partner's eyes and I knew he would have fun.

I had been right, they played all day and more than once I felt like the adult who was babysitting two kids.

"You better go easy on him Starsk. He just ate."

Starsky looked at me, then down at the bundle in his arms, "You gonna puke on me?" he let his fingers play again on the sensitive skin of Brian's side, causing Brian to squirm and laugh and nod his head vigorously.

"Uughhh!" Starsky quickly released him, a look of mock horror on his face. Brian turned and climbed up on my partner pinning him to the blanket, and proceeded to pretend to vomit all over him. Starsky writhed and fought to get away, but I held him still so Brian could finish the job and pretty soon we were all laughing and wrestling in the sand.

"What is that one Uncle Starsky?"

It had been a long and wonderful day and now we sat in the dark, Brian cuddled in Starsky's lap, watching the stars. Me next to the fire, plucking at my guitar.

"That's Orions Belt. See the three stars in a row? Like a belt."

"Oh." He nodded, all the wonder of his four years showing in his face.

"See that one?" Starsky asked pointing to the sky, almost as much wonder showing in his face.

I smiled to myself - (one parent, two kids) -

"That's the North star. Some call it the wishing star."

"That's the star in Star light, Star bright?" Brian whispered up at the bright light.

"Yeah, that's the one."

He looked at Starsky and then back to the star, "I'm gonna make a wish." Closing his eyes he concentrated very hard and in his little boy voice began reciting the words,

"Star light, Star bright,
First star I see tonight
I wish I may I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight.

I wish for a puppy."

I looked down at my guitar and smiled. I'd have to tell my sister that one.

Then I heard Starsky's voice, soft.... quiet.

"Star light,
Star bright,
First Star I see tonight.
I wish I may,
I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight.

I wish for a little boy just like Brian."

I didn't know if he was joking, the look on his face when he first opened his eyes said he wasn't. But it was gone so fast.

Brian smiled up at him and snuggled further into the strong arms. "What a good wish."

Two weeks later we were walking into Manny's Deli to have lunch with Rhonda Miller, one of Starsky's old girlfriends.

"What did she say she wanted?" I looked around the restaurant.

"She didn't. All she told me was we both needed to be here."

"Why does she need me? She was your girlfriend."

"I don't know. She wouldn't say." Starsky nodded towards Rhonda, who was smiling at us from a booth near the back . "Guess we'll just have to find out."

Dressed in a tailored, dark blue suit, hair pulled back at her neck and a simple string of pearls, Rhonda looked like she had just walked off of Wall Street. I never did understand how she and Starsky had gotten together. They were such complete opposites, she a big exec, him a street- hardened cop. But even with that going against them, this had been one of his longer relationships - almost five months.

The only thing I remembered about her was she was so organized. Even their dates were well planned and scheduled. The few times we doubled I kept expecting her to pull out an itinerary.

Starsky and I usually didn't get on each other about girlfriends - women can be enough of a problem as it is - but I finally had to ask what he saw in her. And I wasn't overly surprised when he just gave me one of his sly smiles and said she was a completely different person in the bedroom.

I didn't press for details.

"Hello David."

"Hi Rhonda." Starsky bent and gave her a small kiss on the cheek.

"Ken." She took my hand.

I nodded and gave her a tight smile as we sat down.

"Thank you both for coming." She looked at us and I felt like a prospect about to be pitched. "I know I've left you both in mystery, but do you mind if we order lunch before we begin?"

Starsky smiled. "No problem Rhonda, but we don't have a lot of time."

"Ok." She scanned the room and quickly spotted our waiter, calling him over with a stern look and a wave of her hand. "We're ready, and in a bit of a hurry." Her executive tone set the man fumbling for his order pad.

We filled the time waiting for our food with small talk. Starsky and Rhonda catching up. A few laughs over shared times. Starsky and I telling her about a couple interesting cases we were working on. And then the waiter was back and we had our sandwiches. I reached for my water and slid Starsky a look - now!

He cleared his throat and gave Rhonda a sweet smile, "Ready to tell us why were here?"

She laughed, it was a nervous sound, and reached for the glass in front of her. I could swear her hand was shaking. Starsky must have noticed it too because he looked at me, a touch of fear in his eyes.

"Alright, David." She cleared her throat. "There is just one more thing I ask and that is when I start, let me finish before you ask any questions or make any comments." She looked at him, the shaking in her hands now reflected in her eyes.

"Ok." He glanced at me once more then sat back in his chair.

Rhonda looked at the table and took a deep breath before returning her gaze to Starsky. "David, I'm pregnant." The words hung over the table and Rhonda took another deep breath before continuing, "Now please don't ask me if it's yours. For one that is a complete insult to any woman, and two I was totally faithful to you for five months and have not been with anyone since our breakup."

I looked at my partner, his face held no expression but that was ok, because it was all there to be seen in his eyes. Fear. Excitement. Anticipation. All from that one statement. He believed her and I could almost hear his thoughts. (Tell me what you want. Just tell me what you want to do.)

Rhonda continued, "I have every intention of keeping the baby, but I don't want to get married. Times have changed and a single woman can have a child now. I am financially secure and my parents are very supportive." She laughed again, this one a little more bitter, "I think they're so desperate for a grandchild at this point, they'll go along with just about anything."

I looked back at Starsky, new questions shone in his eyes, (What about me? Where do I fit in?) .

"David, I want you to be a large part of this baby's upbringing. You are this baby's father and you will always be that. Even if I get married to someone else, you are the daddy of this child, and I want you to do everything that goes along with that." She smiled now, a real smile.

And all the emotion that had been in Starsky's eyes was now reflected on his face. "A baby." He whispered the words, as if trying to affirm the truth. Rhonda laughed and smiled and nodded. Starsky looked at me, a big dopey grin on his face. "I'm gonna have a baby."

We spent the rest of lunch going over schedules and doctors and possible living arrangements. It was finally decided that the baby would stay mostly with Rhonda until he or she was a few months old and then Starsky would get custody for weekends and any other days off he could wrangle.

Rhonda's mother would handle all the child care while both parents were at work.

Rhonda had given Starsky a list of all her doctor's appointments. "I made them schedule me for the entire nine months." She stated matter-of-factly. "You can attend any of the appointments you like, but it doesn't get very interesting until later in the pregnancy."

Starsky carefully folded the list and placed it in his wallet, "I'll come to every one I can."

"I know." Rhonda gave him a soft smile, and reached across the table for his hand. "If this had to happen with anyone, I am so glad it happened with you David. You're going to be a great dad."

Starsky smiled back, "Thanks Rhonda. That mean's a lot to me."

She squeezed his hand and pulled one more piece of paper out of her briefcase. "We need to decide on a name. We have plenty of time but I started a list and I want you to add and delete anything you want. There are two columns, one for girl and one for boy." She laid the list on the table. One side - girl - was covered with names.

Anna, Caroline, Stephanie, Jennifer. All pretty names. But the boys side only had one choice on it, carefully printed, first, middle and last...

Kenneth Michael Starsky

Now I was the one wearing the big dopey grin.

"Well, I would say we're agreed on the boys name." Starsky laughed and slapped me on the back.

For the next several months we couldn't pass a toy store or baby store without stopping. Starsky stocked up on every kind of stuffed animal and rattle there was.

I contributed a few myself and it wasn't long before the corner of his bedroom was looking like F.A.O. Schwartz.

But even after five months of shopping he still wasn't done. We were driving down the street one day when he suddenly pulled to the curb and slammed on the brakes.

"What the?" I looked around searching for the cause of our stopping.

"Be right back." Starsky jumped from the car and ran across the street to a sporting goods store. I rolled my eyes and followed him.

I found him towards the back looking over the baseball mits.

"Starsk. What are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doin'. I'm buyin' a ball and glove for my son."

There it was again - that word - 'son'. Everything he bought had been blue, or green or yellow. And every time he mentioned the baby he used words like 'guy' or 'little fella'. He hadn't even looked at the girl's names Rhonda had given him, and he was already tracking little league teams to see which one his son would play on.

"I gotta play catch with my son Hutch."

"Starsky, you don't even know if it's a boy." I said the words but I only half meant them.

He knew it was a boy. And I knew he was right.

The Wishing Star.

(I wish for a little boy just like Brian.)

He looked up at me, a sort of wisdom in his eyes that only comes to one who is touched by magic and believes in it. He didn't say anything. He didn't have to. He just looked at me. And I looked back trying to believe too.

"Ok, then. If you get one for little Kenny then you gotta get one for Dad and Uncle Ken too."

He gave me that too wise smile and slung his arm around my neck. "Now you're talkin'."

"Hutch, I have to run down to Records. Rhonda's coming by so we can go to the doctors. If she shows up tell her I'll be right back, huh?"

I glanced up from the report I was writing, "Sure."

I watched him bounce out of the squad room. He was bouncing everywhere nowadays, an even more definite spring in his step than had always been there. He was happier these last five months than in all the years I had known him.

And Rhonda was coming along great, too. Actually she looked more beautiful every time I saw her. It really is true that pregnant women have a special glow about them. At just over seven months she was beaming.

"Hi Ken."

I looked up from my desk to see Rhonda smiling down at me, "Hi." I jumped up and quickly offered her the seat.

"Thanks." She sat down with a heavy sigh, her belly barely fitting in behind the desk. "Whew, no one ever told me it was this much work carrying a baby around everywhere." She laughed and rubbed at her stomach.

"I'm just glad you ladies offered to do it, I don't know if I could." I smiled down at her.

"Yeah, I bet. Hey, where's David? We were going to my appointment together."

"He's in records, I'm sure he'll be right back."

Starsky entered the squad room, a stack of files in his hand. "Hi Rhonda." He dropped the files on my desk and knelt next to her chair, placing his hands gently on her belly, "And Hi little guy."

Rhonda jumped slightly as tiny fists, feet and elbows pushed on her tight stomach. "David, I swear you are the only one who can get this baby moving this way." She laughed as she watched him lay his cheek against the her.

"That's because he knows his daddy, don't you little fella?" He was answered by a soft kick. "That's right."

I watched my tough, hard-nosed partner as he knelt talking to his baby, not caring that he was in the middle of the squad room. All of his co-workers seeing what a softy he was, knowing how much he loved his child.

I must have been smiling like an idiot because he looked up at me and laughed. "You're happy now but just you wait buddy, dirty diapers, two o'clock feedings. Partners all the way."

I just smiled more and we both laughed.

"Starsky, the slats go this way." I grabbed at the piece of the crib he was holding and turned it around.

"No it doesn't. It goes this way." He grabbed back, swaying and almost falling down with the movement.

We stood in his living room, playing tug of war, surrounded by pieces of crib and empty beer cans.

"Will you let go." I pulled on the wood, giggling.

"No. You let go." He pulled back, giggling too.

"Starsky... just let me show you." I yanked a little harder, laughing now.

"Hutch... I have the directions right here." He yanked back, trying not to laugh.

"Fine." I let go and he went tumbling backwards into the chair.

"Why you!" He staggered to his feet and came after me. I jumped over the couch thinking I could make it into the kitchen but he cut me off, tackling me to the floor. "That was a dirty trick."

"Well you should have let go!" I pushed him off and made a break for the kitchen. He was right behind me. I grabbed two beers out of the fridge, shaking one up and turned just as he entered.

"Come on partner." I smiled innocently, "We gotta finish putting this thing together." I handed him the shook up bottle. He eyed me suspiciously but twisted off the top and was quickly covered in foam.

"Hutch!"

Laughing I ran past him but he tackled me again and dumped the rest of his beer on my shirt.

I'm not sure how, or even when we did it, but I woke up around noon the next day to a completed crib standing in the middle of the living room. And I know it was put together halfway decently because there were no extra parts and it could hold a lot of weight - Starsky was sleeping in it.

"What exactly did the doctor say?" We sat in a booth at Huggy's, sipping on a beer.

"Just that the baby should be moving more so she thinks she may have miscalculated the due date. If Rhonda doesn't go into labor in the next week she wants to do a C-section."

"Oh." I stared into my glass. "But everything's alright?"

"Yeah. She said everything looked normal." Starsky took a sip of his drink.

I looked at him for a moment, the truth of what he was saying finally hitting me. "So that means, you're gonna be a dad in seven days."

"Yeah." He wore that same goofy grin he had when Rhonda had first told him. The same one I had seen so many times over the last several months.

"Hey you two, you're both smilin' bigger then a Cheshire cat. What's up?" Huggy walked up to the booth.

I looked up at him, smiling even wider, "Starsk's gonna be a dad in about a week."

Huggy broke out a huge grin, "Oh yeah? A week?"

"Yeah."

Huggy plopped down in the booth, "Wow."

The three of us sat there for the rest of the night grinning and laughing and drinking and talking about Starsky's son.

Two days later I pulled into my driveway after a date, my stomach instinctively tightening at the sight of the familiar Cadillac I saw parked there.

Huggy was here, which could only mean one thing.

Rhonda.

Starsky's baby.

I ran up the stairs to the apartment. Huggy was sitting on my couch and jumped up as soon as I opened the door. He wasn't smiling and he looked a little gray. I grabbed onto the door, "What's going on?"

"It's Rhonda. She went into labor, but I just called the hospital and I think something went wrong."

We ran from the apartment, I don't think I even shut the door. I used lights and sirens all the way to the hospital, driving faster than I'm known for. Huggy's knuckles were white as he gripped the door handle.

Neither one of us said anything. I didn't ask him what the hospital said when he called. I didn't want to know. Not yet. I just wanted to get there.

Get to my partner.

I left the car in the emergency bay and ran through the halls and up to the maternity ward. Forever organized, Rhonda had us tour the place a few weeks before so I knew exactly where to go.

Thank you Rhonda.

Her room wasn't hard to find. Too many people hovering in the hall.

Quiet people.

Sad people.

It was a brightly lit place, happy paintings on the wall, fun colors in the rooms. A place meant for miracles and new life. But the closer I got to her room the darker it became until a blackness was hanging like a cloak all around and I felt myself choking on it.

I looked at the gray faces hovering about. A couple of them slowly shook their heads, but no one said anything. The air was too thick for words.

My hand shook as I grabbed the handle and pushed the door open. Rhonda was sitting in the bed, her face buried in her mother's shoulder. Her father standing nearby, his gentle hand stroking her head.

They all three looked up as I entered and I saw it in their eyes. The sadness. The loss. And I knew.

"Oh Ken." Rhonda sobbed and reached for me. I went to her and took her in my arms, holding her tight. "Ken...... it was horrible. He was so little and beautiful. He looked so perfect." She was crying and shaking and clung to me like a lost child.

I rubbed her back and pulled her closer.

"David held him... when he... David was holding him. I couldn't. I just couldn't." She pulled away and fell back against her mother.

Mrs. Miller looked at me, her usually perfect makeup smeared from the tears, "Go find David, he needs you. We'll stay with Rhonda."

I nodded and gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze, looking one more time at the sobbing mother of my best friends child.

My best friends dead child.

I left the room and stood in the hallway, looking side to side.

(Where are you Starsk?)

(Where did you go?)

(Where did they take your baby?)

I started walking, letting my instincts guide me.

(You would stay with your baby.)

The stairwell - down.

I followed it down.

And down.

How far below the ground do they take the dead?

Hidden.

Away.

Don't want to see.

Don't want to know.

The stairs finally ended and I passed through a doorway ending up in front of a small clerk behind a small desk. He looked at me once then nodded down the hall.

I found him sitting alone in a stark, cold room.

On a chair.

In the corner.

Holding a tiny bundle wrapped in a little blue blanket.

(A boy)

(Kenneth Michael)

His head raised when I entered. He looked at me, so many questions in his eyes. So much pain.

Why?

Why did this happen?

Asking me with his look.

Asking me to make it better, somehow take what happened away.

But I couldn't make it better. No one could.

I went to him, kneeling down next to his chair, his eyes, his questions, following my every move.

Please make it better.

He moved his mouth like he was going to say something, but he couldn't. No words would come. No sound.

Nothing.

Nothing had been created yet to cover this kind of pain.

No words to comfort.

No words to explain the hurt.

Nothing.

I put my hand on his head and looked down at the bundle in his arms.

A beautiful baby boy.

Tiny nose.

Little red lips.

Chubby fingers.

Dark curly hair.

Perfect.

Even in eternal sleep.

A silent tear fell on the cooling cheek and I looked up at my partner.

He was gazing at his son. Holding him. Rocking him.

His son.

In eternal sleep.

One of the hardest things I ever did in my entire life was take that baby from Starsky's arms and lay it on the cold, metal table.

He watched me, his eyes no longer asking why but instead holding a silent prayer.

Please, let it not be true.

Let it be a dream.

A nightmare.

Anything but this.

I want my son.

But it was true. And there was nothing I could do to change it.

I pulled him from the seat and led him from the small room. All the while his eyes stayed on the small blue bundle we were leaving behind

Huggy's car was at my apartment again when we arrived. He was in the kitchen cooking something, and Starsky's gym bag sat by the front door.

He looked our way as I brought Starsky in. I gave him a small smile of thanks and picking up the gym bag, steered Starsky into the bedroom.

I sat him on the bed and began undressing him. He didn't say anything. He hadn't spoken a word since I found him at the hospital. I don't think he even registered what I was doing now. I got him into some pajamas and tucked into bed. He just kept staring out into space. Looking at what?

(You're looking at your son, aren't you?)

(Reliving his few moments of life over and over in your head.)

(Feeling his final breath again and again.)

(Seeing him)

(So tiny)

(So beautiful)

(So perfect)

(I wish for a little boy just like Brian)

I sat next to him on the bed, and gently stroked the hair back from his face. Not saying anything. Still no words were made for this. Just letting him know I was there.

I stayed until his eyes finally closed and he was breathing softly.

Asleep.

Huggy was sitting at the kitchen table when I came out, an untouched cup of coffee in front of him. The redness of his eyes giving away his sorrow.

"Can you stay with him for a few hours?"

He nodded, and I left.

Toys, stuffed animals, blankets, clothes. I packed them all into my car.

The crib.

Taking it apart.

Seeing Starsky curled up in it, asleep.

(Why are you sleeping in the crib, Starsk?)

(Had to make sure it was comfortable enough for my son.)

(Well, will it work?)

(Yeah, it'll work fine. Just fine.)

Everything blurred and I felt the wetness in my eyes and the tightening of my throat.

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

We weren't supposed to lose him.

Kenneth Michael.

I dropped everything off at the Salvation Army. The lady was very quiet as she checked it all off. New, unused baby items and my red swollen eyes. She knew she was getting the product of a tragedy. She gave me a sad smile as she handed me the receipt.

I drove back to my apartment, a small box of special items I couldn't give away sitting next to me on the seat. A stuffed tiger, the first thing Starsky bought, our baseball mits and the ball.....

(I gotta play catch with my son Hutch.)

......And Starsky's black suit.

Need to bury the dead.

I wiped my wet eyes.

"It's time to get ready for the funeral."

It had been less than twenty four hours, but Jewish tradition called for fast burials. Starsky shifted in the bed and slowly rose. He moved like he was a hundred years old. I handed him his things and he made his way to the bathroom to get dressed.

Still no words.

I sat next to him in the temple. His eyes never left the small, pine casket. He moved when he was supposed to, said the prayers along with the others.

All the while looking where his son lay.

Rhonda's father gave a short eulogy. What can you say about a baby?

Hoped for.

Prayed for.

Loved for nine months.

Only to be snatched away.

Taken within the first twenty minutes.

Twenty minutes.

A lifetime.

We drove with Rhonda and her parents in the limousine to the cemetery. No one said anything.

Still no words.

It started to rain. A light drizzle and the graveyard was soon dotted with black umbrellas.

Black clothes.

Black sky.

Black air.

The Rabbi began the final prayers as the small casket was laid in the ground.

Black dirt.

Starsky stood watching, the rain mixing with the tears he was now shedding. Rhonda was with her parents nearby, crying softly.

Captain and Mrs. Dobey stood to the back, Edith dabbing at her eyes with a soaked tissue. And Huggy, his head down, shoulders bent, eyes redder than before.

The Rabbi handed Starsky the shovel, and indicated a small pile of dirt to the left.

Starsky moved mechanically, his eyes never leaving the casket.

It started to rain harder.

The Rabbi prayed in Hebrew and Starsky repeated the words while sifting small clods of dirt onto the tiny casket.

One time.

Two times.

Three.

Turning his baby over to God. Until finally his voice drowned in a sob and he swayed. Mr. Miller was there to catch him, holding him up, guiding the shovel in his hands, saying the words with him.

And then they were done and Mr. Miller returned him to me. I took him in my arms and he wept into my shoulder.

"I just buried my son."

"I know." I held him tight, letting the rain soak us.

Soak the ground that was covering Kenneth Michael.

The Miller's house was crowded with mourners. Neighbors went in and out carrying food.

Gray, sad faces.

Mrs. Miller gave me a hug. "You're sure you won't stay awhile?"

"No." I answered. "I think I need to get him home." She looked at Starsky who was sitting by the door. Still staring.

(His final breath)

(So beautiful)

(My son)

She nodded, "I think I'm going to put Rhonda to bed as well." She walked over and gave Starsky a small kiss on the top of his head. "Come see us David. We'll miss you."

My partner and the Millers.

First brought together by the promise of love. And then again by the promise of life. And now forever entwined by the tragedy of death.

He nodded and said something about saying goodbye to Rhonda.

"I'll tell her you had to go. She'll understand." Mrs. Miller tucked a stray curl behind his ear.

He nodded again and I helped him from his seat and out to my car.

It was gray where we lived but the sky up north looked clear. As I neared Venice I made a decision - follow the beach north - I kept going.

Starsky didn't seem to notice or care. He was looking out the window, seeing his baby over and over.

I drove for hours, leaving the rain, the graveyard, the blackness behind. Until it seemed lighter and the people we passed were smiling.

The sun was setting when I pulled into Carmel. I found a small general store and ran inside, leaving Starsky in the car. He still hadn't said anything.

I bought jeans, and flannel shirts and sweaters and boots, blankets and a little food. Everything for a night on the beach.

A night to heal.

A night to go back to the beginning.

He hadn't moved and didn't ask any questions when I got back to the car. I steered us towards the water.

We changed and made our way down the narrow path to the beach, the full moon showing us the way. He followed, still not asking where or why, just needing me to make the decisions and trusting every one that I made.

I found an alcove among the rocks and settled him on the blanket before building a small fire. The moon was low, dipping into the water, sending a stream of silver light down the waves.

It was a beautiful night.

I got the fire going and settled on the blanket behind him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. He fell back against me, laying his head on my arm and I felt his body shake with all the sorrow he had inside.

I looked up at the clear sky and found the brightest star. The wishing star. I pulled Starsky closer and watching the star I sat in the dark and listened to him cry.

The end.