Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Starsky and Hutch, just having fun with them for awhile.

Format: Story

Category: Starsky angst, Hutch angst

Rating: PG-13 for strong language

THANKS TO KIRA

by: Sparkle731

Hutch missed Starsky. It had been over two weeks since the incident with Kira. He still saw Starsky every day at work, but the man he worked with wasn't the same man he'd known and been friends with for over ten years. That man was gone. He'd been replaced by a cold, disinterested stranger that only spoke to Hutch when he had to. In one careless moment, Hutch had thrown away his friendship with the one person that meant more to him than anyone else in the world. He had hurt Starsky deeply, too deeply for the other man to ever forgive him for his betrayal. And that knowledge was slowly killing Hutch a little bit more every day.

Hutch knew that he could never tell Starsky the real reason he had slept with Kira. At the time, Hutch hadn't even known the reason himself. At first he had told himself it was just because he could, some kind of twisted struggle for superiority with Starsky over a beautiful woman who had made it plain that she liked both of them. And Kira had been just willing as Hutch was to climb into that bed together, that was the one thing Starsky chose to ignore.

Hutch would never forget the look of pain and betrayal in Starsky's eyes when Hutch came out of Kira's bedroom, still buttoning up his shirt and rearranging his clothes. Or the pure rage that fueled that combat body as he slammed Hutch against the wall and began pounding him with his fists. Hutch didn't even attempt to defend himself. He knew he deserved every blow that Starsky was sending his way. Beneath the spew of obscenities that poured out of his partner's mouth, Hutch could still hear the sobbing gasps that ripped from his throat.

A few days later, after the case they were all three working on together was wrapped up, Hutch had tried apologizing to Starsky but the brunet half of the partnership didn't want any part of it. And Kira was out of the picture too. Neither man wanted anything more to do with her. Any feelings that either one of them had felt for the gorgeous blonde with the long sexy legs had disappeared along with the trust that had been the cornerstone of Starsky and Hutch's friendship and their partnership.

Hutch finished his beer and signaled the waitress for another one. He was startled when a hand suddenly fell on his shoulder and a familiar voice behind him said quietly "No more tonight, Blondie. It's time to go home."

Hutch spun his head around, his eyes narrowing when he looked into his partner's face. "What the fuck are you doing here?" he growled

"Huggy called me." Starsky said undaunted by Hutch's foul mood. "He said you were gonna need a ride home."

"So you ran right out the door to come and get me, huh?" Hutch snarled, clumsily shoving himself off the barstool and straightening to his full height of six feet two inches. He was only a few inches taller than Starsky and Hutch knew that extra height was to his advantage but Starsky wasn't the least bit intimidated.

"Yeah, figured I'd save some taxi driver from having you puke in the back seat of his cab all the way home." Starsky said grimly, locking eyes with his partner in a fierce battle of will.

"So that mean you're gonna let me puke in your precious car all the way home?" Hutch said with a sneer, deliberately trying to bait his partner.

"In your dreams. And if you do, you're gonna pay to have it cleaned up." Starsky said, refusing to take the bait at he reached out to grab Hutch's forearm firmly "Now let's go... Huggy already cut you off for the evening."

"Don't matter. I got more booze at my place." Hutch said, slurring his words blindly as he stumbled towards the front door, guided gently by his partner's hand on his arm.

"Great... then you can drink yourself stupid there." Starsky grumbled "That way you won't have far to fall when you pass out."

Hutch thought about pulling his arms out of Starsky's grasp but decided against it. It felt good just to have Starsky touching him again even if it wasn't with his usual affection. He let Starsky lead him outside to where Starsky's Candy Apple Red Torino with the distinctive white stripe was parked at the curb in front of the bar. Starsky eased him into the front seat, then crossed around to the other side to slide underneath the wheel. The powerful engine roared to life as he turned the ignition and pulled into the street. Twenty minutes later, he pulled up in front of Hutch's apartment at Venice Place. By then Hutch had fallen into a drunken stupor and was only half conscious as Starsky pulled him out of the car. Slipping an arm around his waist to support him and slinging Hutch's left arm around his neck, Starsky helped him up the steps to his apartment.

Starsky let Hutch lean against the wall while he fumbled above the doorsill for the key that Hutch kept hidden there in spite of repeated warnings from his partner to move it somewhere safer. Starsky got the door opened and helped his highly inebriated partner inside. Hutch stumbled over to the sofa and slouched down on the cushions as Starsky shut the door and locked it.

"You can leave now." Hutch slurred, eyeing his friend and partner warily. "I don't need a fucking babysitter."

"No, you need a keeper... or a leash." Starsky said as he walked into the kitchen to make some coffee. He sighed softly as he hunted through the cabinets for the canister of coffee. He planned on staying, at least until Hutch passed out, to make sure he didn't drink anymore alcohol, not tonight anyway. Starsky was tired and in no mood himself for Hutch's surly mood. The pain of Hutch's betrayal with Kira still cut through the dark haired detective like a knife, settling between the two men like an invisible wall that neither one of them knew how to breech.

"Guess I'm not much of a white knight anymore am I, Starsky?" Hutch mumbled from his place on the sofa "I'm just a self bastard that fucked his best friend's girl."

"Don't go there, Hutch." Starsky said in a mildly warning tone, as he concentrated on filling the coffeepot and turning it on to brew. The hurt was like a scab that he kept picking at just as it started to heal, reopening the wound. "Not tonight."

"Why not tonight?" Hutch demanded "You don't wanna talk about it any other time. Hell, you don't even wanna talk to me at all unless you have to."

"We both said all there was to say." Starsky said "So just let it be."

"Maybe you said all you had to say but not me, buddy boy." Hutch said, stumbling to his feet and making his way towards Starsky. Sensing his approach, Starsky turned around and leaned against the counter, his body language sending out a clear message for Hutch not to come too close. Hutch moved in close but not close enough for Starsky to take a swing at him. He might be drunk but he wasn't entirely stupid, he knew how hard Starsky could punch. In a heavily slurred voice, he said "You won't let me tell you how sorry I am for what I did... that I'd do anything if I could just take it back."

"You can't take it back, Hutch... no matter what you do or say..." Starsky said his voice tight and strained as he tried to control his emotions. This was not a conversation he wanted to be having right now but he knew that nothing would deter Hutch from having his say. Starsky felt as if he were backed into a corner with nowhere to go. He decided to listen to what the tall blond had to say. He just hoped that Hutch didn't say the wrong thing and release the cold murderous rage that still lingered deep inside of Starsky's heart.

Suddenly, Hutch's face twisted in a grimace of pain and he actually fell to his knees in front of his partner, wrapping his arms around himself tightly as he started rocking back and forth. It took Starsky a moment to realize that Hutch was crying, deep silent sobs that shook his entire body. The sight of his friend's emotional breakdown was enough to drive Starsky to his side. He sank down to his knees beside him and instinctively reached out to put his arms around the other man, offering what little comfort he could to ease his suffering.

Hutch slumped into Starsky's embrace, clutching his shirt with both fists and burying his face against the curly haired detective's shoulder. "Don't hate me, Starsk..." he mumbled "Please don't hate me... I can't take it if you hate me..."

"Shhhhh..." Starsky said soothingly, feeling the ice in his heart melting away. "It's okay. I don't hate you... I could never hate you, Hutch." His own voice caught in his throat as his eyes filled with tears of his own. Starsky's words seemed to penetrate the alcoholic haze clouding Hutch's mind and his sobs slowly tapered off to a struggling gasp for air. "Come on, pal..." Starsky said in a determined voice, pulling the unresisting blond to his feet.

Hutch docilely allowed Starsky to lead him into the bathroom. He barely noticed as Starsky reached in and turned on the shower. He stepped into the tub when Starsky told him too; seeming not to notice that he was still fully dressed. A moment later, his yelp of surprise and a string of curses filled the air as the cold water hit him in the face. Starsky blocked his retreat with his own body as the cold water soaked through Hutch's clothes and began to sober him up. By the time Starsky finally stepped aside to let him out of the shower, Hutch's teeth were chattering and Starsky was almost as wet as he was. With a grim smile of satisfaction, Starsky said "Get out of those wet clothes and I'll get us some coffee."

"You ass!" Hutch growled as he started to strip off his wet clothing "You did that on purpose!"

"Yeah, paybacks are hell, aren't they?" Starsky said with a chuckle as he left the bathroom. "If we're gonna talk... I want you sober enough to remember it when we do." His voice drifted back to Hutch, who stopped undressing long enough to let Starsky's words register in his mind.

Ten minutes later, Hutch came out of the bathroom dressed in a white terrycloth robe belted tightly at the waist. Starsky was sitting on the sofa with his feet propped up on the coffee table in front of him. Two cups of freshly brewed coffee sat on the table in front of him. Hutch sat down at the opposite end of the sofa and looked at his partner warily. Silently, Starsky picked up one of the cups of coffee and handed it to him and then picked up the other cup for himself. He leaned back against the sofa and looked at Hutch calmly but didn't speak.

Nervously, Hutch took a sip of the coffee. It was hot and strong, heavily mixed with cream and sugar just the way Starsky liked it. Lowering his eyes to avoid the intensity of those sapphire eyes that were gazing at him, he tried to think of a way to begin. Finally, he sighed softly and said "I don't know where to begin..."

"Try the beginning... that's usually a good place to start." Starsky said keeping his voice level and calm.

"You're the best friend I've ever had, Starsky and I... I didn't wanna lose you..." Hutch said quietly "I... I... didn't really think things were as serious with Kira as you made it sound." He took a deep shuddering breath "W... w... when she said she loved you too... that was it... I was gonna leave... then she said she loved me too..." He still avoided Starsky's eyes as he continued "She said she loved us both... just in different ways... she made it real clear that she wasn't ready to settle down with anybody..."

"So that made it all right to sleep with her?" Starsky said with a hard edge creeping into his voice. "After I told you that I thought I loved her?"

"No..." Hutch admitted, shame coloring his face as he remembered his actions that day.

"Than why did you?" Starsky demanded. He didn't raise his voice and his tone wasn't angry. Just questioning, needing to hear Hutch's answer for himself.

"Because I was jealous..." Hutch whispered, finally raising his head and meeting his partner's eyes "Because I was afraid of losing you..."

"What kind of answer is that?" Starsky asked with a puzzled frown. "You wouldn't have lost me. Even if Kira and I had gotten together... you would still have been my partner, my best friend... nothing would have ever changed that... not even Kira." Starsky's eyes clouded with sadness "This isn't about Kira anymore; Hutch... this is about us. You hurt me... you hurt me bad... I trusted you and you betrayed that trust by sleeping with her... then you both rubbed my face it..." Starsky swallowed hard to dislodge the lump that had suddenly risen in his throat as he struggled to keep his emotions under control. His mouth tightened into a thin line "If I hadn't caught you together, would you have gone on sleeping with her behind my back?"

"NO!" Hutch said fiercely "I knew it was a mistake after I did it... she didn't care about either one of us... not really. She used us... the same way we've both used women a few times ourselves. It was all a game with her... sleeping with both of us just to prove she could."

"What did you mean when you said you were jealous?" Starsky asked, changing the subject abruptly "Jealous of what? Me being with Kira instead of you?"

Hutch was silent for so long that Starsky wasn't sure he was going to answer the question. He could see the indecision and the touch of fear that had crept into the other man's eyes. He was still keeping something from Starsky, something important. Finally, Hutch took another deep breath and said "No... I was jealous of her being with you instead of me."

"What?" Starsky said in a startled voice, his eyes narrowing as he looked at Hutch closely. "What exactly is that supposed to mean, Blondie?"

"That didn't come out right." Hutch said in a forlorn voice. "What I meant is... I guess I didn't trust Kira from the start... I was afraid of her coming between us... ruining what we had... our friendship. I wanted to break the two of you up. I just went about it the wrong way and still almost lost you." Hutch whispered, his voice catching on his words as he finally revealed the secret he had kept for so long. He wanted to take back his words immediately when he saw the stunned expression that settled over the brunet's face. If sleeping with Kira hadn't destroyed their relationship, then revealing his real reasons for sleeping with her might have just done it.

"Hutch... I..." Starsky said, suddenly at a loss for words. "I don't know what you expect me to say..."

"It's okay, you don't have to say anything. I should have been honest with you from the start instead of trying to play some kind of macho game that almost destroyed us just because I wanted to keep Kira away you." Hutch said with a sad bitter smile "I'll understand if you wanna call it quits right now and ask for another partner. One you can trust."

"I don't want another partner, you idiot. I never have." Starsky said with a soft smile that took the sting out of his words. He paused a ran his fingers through his curls. "You should have talked to me, Hutch... you should've told me how you felt."

"I know that now." Hutch said, hanging his head in shame. He flinched when he felt Starsky slip his arm around his shoulders. The brunet cupped his chin in his hand and forced the tall blond to look at him.

"We'll work it out, Hutch." Starsky said gently "The same way we always have. Together. Me and Thee." The two men looked at each other and they both smiled. Their relationship might have hit a rocky patch but it was finally on it's way back to solid ground.

THE END